It was the last day of 2008 when I learned that the papers had been signed, notarized, and the divorce complete. I did not feel sad or happy -- free or burdened -- angry or peaceful. I felt nothing but the same.
My marital status is divorced but my heart remains unchanged. I still easily refer to him as 'my husband' and do not know what to refer to the man who has played such an influential role in my heart. I can't bear the term 'EX-husband.' I think this will pass with time but other things I am not so sure.
On Fridays, I come home from work and suddenly am sad when I realize that he has not phoned and we have no plans for the evening. I was never aware that I had hoped or expected to have contact with him. Even more odd, the same thing also happens on Saturdays and Sundays. I go about my days then suddenly I am hit with a sadness when I realize that he is gone. This at least happens once during the work week as well.
It is not as if I am not trying to move on; likewise, it is not as if I do not ever phone him because I do.
The only idea I can surmise is that this must have been a pattern dating back for years. Though the dance looks different the steps are the same.
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