Haunted

it appears each year - I look back on these posts
pervading darkness sweeping me away

lost
one minute here, next minute there
same danger
same dark
same cold
same soil
same terror


*"Can you tell me where I am
Won't you say something
I need to get my bearings
I'm lost
And the shadows keep on changing

I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head"

*Poe

spewing rem

jaw & shoulders clenching
all hold buckled crackles
plaster starts to wrench
reluctant from it's wall

blood struggles, churns, and boils
pressurized beyond control
air imprisoned, clogged, and wheezing
reluctant hope falls

darkened doors open slightly
nightmares rake the spine and soul
milligrams beckon free is near
reluctant back to hell i crawl

Heros = Cons

Green Day - "21st Century Breakdown"

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Disease Postmarked In The Mail: A Follow-Up

Today I phoned the office of my primary care physician (PCP) and informed them of the findings and the script for Synthroid. Though they were glad to know this information, there was a very firm response against having two PCP-type doctors writing scripts for me and it was made clear that I would have to choose one over the other.

One one hand, I firmly agree. Especially with me, there can't be different doctors writing scripts -- especially when they are in different networks so that they cannot view what the other is doing. But on the other hand, I do not understand why they can't work together. The finding by the homeopath's staff speaks for itself. I'd feel guilty NOT giving them my business.

The only way around this seems to be the fact that I don't actually see the MD who works the homeopathic office. Instead, I see someone who is a naturopath. I learned allot about naturopaths today, especially this one in particular.

Apparently, they cannot practice in the state of Missouri. I think the number of states they can get licensed in is something in the teens. This makes me very sad because it is obvious that this girl is very talented. She took my medical records from the past few years, found a discrepancy, followed up on it, and made a discovery that may completely change my life if treated. How can anyone ignore that or claim it is not credible? I can also tell that she has experienced allot of discrediting of her talent and has been discouraged. In any event, I can't just stop seeing her if it turns out that she radically improves the quality of my life. That would be more than any MD has done.

Disease Postmarked In The Mail

It is 1:30am. I cannot sleep. I did not sleep last night due to nightmares.

I went to psychiatrist today and he gave me a bag of pills as a remedy to my most recent problems. My memory loss / dissociation and depression are worse. Tired and having no desire to do anything on a beautiful day made it all the more depressing.

I cursed myself throughout the day wondering why i could not just make myself get up and go. I could have blamed the anti-biotics I suppose.

Then I discovered an envelope from the homeopathic doctor I had seen for the purpose of getting a more holistic view of my health situation. She had requested my records from my primary doctor and noted that in 2006 I had a somewhat elevated thyroid level that was never followed up on so she decided to follow up on it. I received the results in the mail late this afternoon. Something called my "thyroid peroxidase antibodies" are >1000 with <35 being normal and this is apparently indicative of Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism. I can't tell you what this means for me exactly since all I received was a note attached to a prescription for thyroid medication via the postal service.

I am so confused. My primary care doctor has been very good to me. I get blood tests done every six months. My health problems seemed to have started in 2006. They've only gotten worse. Who do I trust? My doctor who supposedly has been caring for me for years or a doctor who sends frightening diagnoses and drug scripts in the mail? I don't think there is anyone to trust anymore.

Fecal Debilification

My regular appointment today with the psych was very discouraging. Though not much of a liar, I probably should have at least withheld the truth. He's not a bad doctor by any means but the science of drugs is in their belief system and this is what they do.

Old emerging behaviors that had been previously extinguished seem to indicate that I'm not done well with my losses lately. I'm losing small chunks of time -- not remembering what I've been doing. I have flashbacks, nightmares, no appetite, and today is a beautiful day yet I don't want to go out. So, he hands me a bag of samples and shuttles me along my way.

I don't want to take anymore pills. I'm already on a medication roller coaster trying to control my heart and my lungs -- a problem that (in case I have NOT made clear) I believe is rooted in long-term effects of being in so many psych meds in the first place.

I think I've already been here before. In fact, I've probably blogged about it so perhaps I should just look at old posts. I don't know.

Bloody Throats and V-Codes

I'm up early today. Last night I was really sick and fell asleep on the couch. The pulmonologist forgot to phone in for some mouthwash that I was apparently supposed to use with the inhaler so that now it seems I have nasty thrush-stuff in my throat with a fever. It is a bloody ugly painful mess. I hate them all. They forget, they don't return calls, they are careless. And now I can't even use the inhaler without feeling chemical burn on my tongue and in my throat. I hate them all.

Last week I got a requisition with some diagnostic codes from the psychiatrist. One of them had the diagnosis for "Long term use of medications." I don't recall the code and don't feel like looking for it right now but maybe later. In essence, I'm going to that doctor to get pills that will help me cope from having taken pills. Here is the description from the DSM (which apparently few doctor's read):

"Substances can produce most of the psychopathology known to humankind. ...this may include delirium, memory impairment, mood disturbance, anxiety, sleep disorders ... Perhaps the most common of these are dissociative symptoms of depersonalization and derealization..."

I hate them.

Getting Paid To Be Sick - A De-Evolutionary Idea In Healthcare

While discussing a former employer, an older fellow explained to me how healthcare was handled "back in the day":

"All the employees put money in a jar for the doctor to come around and see them regularly. If an employee was sick, then THAT employee did NOT have to put money in the jar. The doctors were paid to keep us healthy. You see, today doctors, etc., are only paid when we are sick. They are not paid when we are healthy. Somehow we have went backwards and this is the problem with healthcare."

Prerogative Of The Brave*

"A coward is incapable of exhibiting love"*

You leach upon my existence so that you may avoid your own.
You tether me to you in the hope that you will go where I may
(without paying the toll.)

OR

You turn quickly away to avoid any reflection of yourself.
You panic and throw hate at me to avoid your unrealistic shame.

Either way, I pick you off and toss you down.

* Mahatma Gandhi

Unfounded Mysteries & Lost Chances (Or PsychoTherapy)

"They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you'll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be

But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)

Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

I'm standing on the edge of me
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.
And i've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge"

I'm Not Going To Eat Ham Either

I'm trying not to panic over the swine ... um, I mean, the H1N1 flu. It's just a flu, right? It's breaking out around here. Someone in our corporate office has it and a lady was coughing all over my desk today. It terrifies me. I bought Airbourne, Germ-gel, and am trying to find someone to sanitize my house. I know I sound like a germ-a-phobe but I can't bear to be sick from ANY OTHER thing.

I'm vulnerable now. Last week I had to get a pneumonia and a flu shot. I'm waiting for the vaccine and fear I won't be able to get it. I fear going to the drug-store, the grocery store, and generally think I should stay away from the public as much as possible. I notice things I've never noticed before; like, using my wet hands to turn the garbage disposal on and off or eating a taco with my hands in a restaurant. I have regular appointments with my doctor to monitor my condition but I'm going to try and phone in as much as possible. Horrible.

The Speed of Nothing

I want to slow down. No time to eat. No time for groceries. No time to fold laundry. Bills unpaid. No time to clean house. Living by the seat of my pants. That's what I do. I have nothing external that sucks away my time. I don't have a million meetings to attend. I don't have soccer games to go to. I'm not even putting extra hours in at work. Muscles clenched, jaw aching, my temper on a razor blade I can't find to stop this chaos. I just can't slow down my mind enough to focus on a goddamn thing.

The Jagged Loss of My Time

Half a day here then the rest of another day later I am baffled and confused. Oddly enough, I used to deal with it better when the loss of time was longer - like weeks or months. It wasn't such a problem then.

Survival mode kicking in, I picked up and kept on moving ahead. It's probably somewhere between the discouragement that bothers me now and the fear that I will slip back to missing months that puts me on edge.

They tell me it's just the Metoprolol. Oh m*f* God, could I just STOP having a reason to blog over Metoprolol? Does it even f*cking matter WHY it happens but that it just happens is reason enough?

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW REGARDING STUFF I DO NOT REMEMBER. I DON'T WANT TO BE EMBARRASSED WHEN SOMEONE THAT I DO KNOW ASKS ME ABOUT SOME ACT I COMMITTED BUT DO NOT REMEMBER.

I'm past it. ... I WAS PAST IT.

My Facebook Voyeurism

For months now I've been snooping around on Facebook to get a glance at people I knew "back when." I purposely have not added my maiden name or high school affiliation to my own Facebook account so that no one can easily find me.

I've gone out, looked up someone then clicked each of their friends to see who they are friends with, and from there I've worked myself around the tree.

At some point I came across a couple of people from my high school and became interested in adding them to my friends list but I haven't been able to follow through. In fact, it's become somewhat of a bizarre rut.

During some of my most loneliest nights when I can't sleep, I've logged onto Facebook only to sit staring for hours at the "Add as Friend" button for these people.

Should I click it? I weigh the pros and cons. What about the time this person was mean to me in seventh grade? What if this person has evolved into a more mature person? After all, some of us do grow up. But, do i want people to know that I have no family or home to show for my life? Will they criticize my hair or clothes like back in the day? The endless debate continues and I drag myself back to bed.