December Melting -- Day 13: Cycling

12.15.09

Her funeral was today. Yesterday there was to be a simple graveside service but the family went against her wishes and had a full funeral. As my sister mentioned in her phone call, over 200 people allegedly attended.

I, of course, did not attend. Instead, I remain in this locked hospital unit rapidly cycling through past and present rage, grief, and panic. I go in the Quiet Room, I come out of the Quiet Room, repeat. I'm obedient about it so that I do not cause a scene but it is a struggle. I want to cause a scene. I want to yell and scream and break things. I want to bash my head against the wall until it is a pulp and every chair should be flying through the air.

I suppose I am raw and overly-sensitive because it does not take much for the nurses to send me flailing back into crazy-world. Why do I have to stand and wait an hour to get my drugs? If they want me to take drugs then give me the God-damn drugs and do it RIGHT NOW! Often they forget my blood-pressure medicine and I have to remind them to check it. The doctor said to check it BEFORE giving me the pills.

They've been giving me the thrush-causing inhaler as well. I refused it for the first week but; given that I'd already chosen to prefer death, finally give in and huff it. I've been taking the blood-pressure pills too, even if I am already dizzy and hypotensive. Doesn't really matter at this point.

I'm sure my name is rued throughout my entire home county since the majority of the citizens attended the funeral and I did not. Me being seen as the heartless means that she wins again and I lose.

I'm glad she is gone; a horrible thing to say I know, but I am relieved. Had I mentioned that already? She was so miserable that it hurt to see her and she made everyone around her just as miserable. It is good that she is out of her suffering and good that we might be able to heal and move on. Makes me angry, then ashamed, then angry again, then panic ensues into agitation so that they give me a pill to briefly stop a cycle.

I am probably making no sense. Past and present tense are no different at this point.