12.16.09
Today was my first day in "intensive outpatient treatment." Being as all they seem to talk about are vague generalities, I do not understand the "intensive" portion of the treatment.
My guess is that this is baby-sitting for me. Since I have no job and no therapist here, they are concerned with me suddenly having no structure to my day. This is a valid concern. I do not do well without structure for any extended amount of time so I will continue to attend.
However, for the time being the mood swings continue to cycle rapidly. How many god-damn months has it been that I can get to sleep without what now seems to be some portion of a panic attack. Is it really so complicated to fix?
I try to do my venting in other constructive ways -- like drumming or video games or writing or getting on the treadmill. Nothing works. I lie down for a minute and boom, I'm pulled up as if I am attached to some masochist's string.
I don't know if I can go through with it again. I can NEVER EVER live my life again the way I was living before the suicide attempt. I do swear, here on this blog in front of all, that if I slip into that cycle again then there will be no option of outpatient treatment or any other kind because I will buy the gun myself and take care of it the best way I know how because at least I, for better or worse, have an answer.
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