The Last $50

Not being able to spend it, in the past I would have given the bill to my then-husband and he would use it for whatever was needed. It felt better that way. My parents periodically sent money and I felt, since I was estranged, that I had no right to it. Also, I just didn't want to deal with it. However, now the husband is gone and so is the mother yet there was another $50 bill in a Christmas card that was in the bewitched box of belongings that had been sent to me.


My mind being elsewhere, I haven't give much thought to it. Most certainly, this is not going to salvage the savings I will soon be eating up during my unemployment yet today my mind wanders back to it. What would she want me to have -- within $50? Should I give it thought this time or should I just keep it as is? I mean, for once, what would a typical mother want her daughter to have? There are many practical things that I don't purchase for myself; like, I realized that I don't have a measuring cup or measuring spoons or a sieve or a table centerpiece for my kitchen. Would those be a normal things for a parent to buy? Would she have wanted that? These are thoughts that go through my head today.


Sometimes, I am halted from my activities by a pervasive thought that "my mom's body is dead." The thought comes randomly, always uses the same words, and brings about very little emotion. But, it keeps nagging at me. I've had very little grief about the death at all and wonder if there are brewing emotions underneath waiting to boil over. Having missed the funeral, some say I will need to go to the grave site to get closure. I have not believed that to be the case but it is possible that this is where I'm headed with these dead-body thoughts. I guess only time will tell with this one. For now, I'll just leave the $50 in the card.