01.09.10
I'm waiting for the Ambien to kick in. I don't take it so much since it causes me to lose time if taken more than a few nights but at this point I can't see why it matters.
With the constant movement of my legs or fingers, I can't be still for very long. On Monday, I'll be entering the third week of IOP (intensive outpatient treatment). People usually get 6-10 days of IOP but I am still stuck there. There's not much more they can do there for me so I'm sure we're all ready for me to move but even I'll admit that I fear what will happen when it is done. Like today, without the structure of the groups -- I'm a writhing mess. God, how did I end up here?
Who gave them the right to bring me back? If it is against the law to take a life then they should not be allowed to bring one back either. They should have let me go. I hate them all with their stupid pills. All they have to offer me are pills and babysitting? What about my career and what I worked for, can they get back the mind that managed that too? I don't think so.
This mind can't read ONE page of text. This mind cannot lie in bed for more than ten minutes. This mind can't tolerate most anything. This mind is lost. They should all pay for bringing me back.
Where is the person who gave me comfort? Gone.
Where is the person who was supposed to give me comfort? Dead in the ground and more helpful even at that.
Where is the person who is supposed to be able to give me comfort BY NOW? Never existed. Body is here, mind is not.
This is my most bitter point. I've had no comfort or relief from this for almost forty days. None. No glue. No anything. Just pills. If what you people do is so good then why am I here after two decades of your handiwork and what the f*ck were you thinking to make me breathe again?
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1 comment:
I wish I could make a diference, but it is not in my power. That said...I wish you peace and comfort
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