Step Two: Betrayal

"Here comes the wind...cutting down the buildings...looking for someone to blame for his pointless journey...Someone always has to pay...that's the rule...the ONLY rule." *

Just like everyone trusts someone at some point, everyone also gets betrayed at some point by the same trusted person. It is a necessary trial and, though there will be more than one, there will most likely be one core betrayal -- the one that haunts the soul and nags for resolution. Though severity varies, there is no avoiding it. Each one of us will be entrusted with such a scenario. It is the nature of being human. It is how a person processes such an event that determines a person's character and well-being.

"It feels suddenly as if the clocks stop ticking and the world stops moving. The derison, the hate, the end of good. What are you left with other than this thing called hope? I knew all along but didn't understand it. This was a charade. Not a place where people won things but a place where people lost...and lost badly."*

It is a mystery as to how some people can overcome even the most worst conflict while others cannot even turn to face or acknowledge what may seem a simple one. Any one person might become angry, depressed, violent, addicted, fake, or all of the above and more. Regardless, it is a step in this story.

Step one was hope. Step two is betrayal. Step three is the war.

*"Frankie Mac", 16 Years of Alcohol.

Step One: Hope

"I dream of an extraordinary world where angels watch over you as storm clouds gather." *

I never really thought of myself as a person who WANTED to be loved. Does anyone ever actually have the conscious thought that “I want to be loved?” …seems too dangerous to me. Allowing such a threat would surely lead to a vulnerability that is unacceptable to any ego; at least, one that is fragile.

Some say that love is an addiction and that the only love you need is the love from yourself. For a long time I believed that no one else’s love would ever be necessary for my well-being. I now think that that is only partly correct and is, actually, somewhat of an excuse for avoiding the potential harm from trusting someone …and HOPING that someone… will love you…that you are ok.

In the movie, 16 Years of Alcohol, the prime character obviously begins his life with the hope for love:

“I've always had a strange feeling about love. It seemed tricky. Happiness and sadness...ugly and beautiful...real and unreal...One thing I've always known though is that I have wanted to be around love. Quietly, not too much, just enough to make my heart feel happy. It didn't have to sing...just smile a little...smile at the world. Love is greedy. Somethings, when things don't work out as you might have hoped, love becomes a dangerous thing. Scary, violent, cold like the mood. But sometimes, warm like the breeze.” *

Supposedly, we all start out in the world wanting to be loved. From our very first breaths we supposedly seek out a figure to attach ourselves too. This is, supposedly a most critical event in our lives as countless research projects and papers, mine included, have focused on this area. The sum of the evidence is here.

But "HOPE" is only step one. Step two is "BETRAYAL."

*"Frankie Mac", 16 Years of Alcohol.

Dona Nobis Pacem

Idiocy In Healthcare #1

Due to extreme pain in hips and back when walking, sitting, or lying down, I phoned the gastro doc who is overseeing my current condition. Since they had not followed up with me since the procedures to know that I am still doing miserably, he stated that we can do another test.

I tried to explain that the quality of my life is at zero due to the crippling pain. The endless myriad of tests are making matters worse for me when I have to leave my job during the day and then make up the hours throughout the night. Why weren't these tests done when they were doing all the other tests? He doesn't know and regardless, has no answer to the pain. When I tell him that I am afraid that I am starving, he also cannot tell me what is safe to eat.

In desparation, I phone my primary care physician (pcp) who stated that we can try an anti-depressant which may ease the pain of the fibro as well as my gastro-serotonin-issues. I tried to explain that I am in pain and cannot walk - that something was wrong with my hips and back - but that does not go through.

In even further desparation, I discover a chiro who does acupuncture and massage for fibro and she works next door. I get an appointment that day but when I get there she states that she cannot do anything for me today but assess me. She might have some tests run. After I explain the many thousands of dollars worth of tests that I've had this year, she phones my PCP and they decide that it will be ok for me to set up a treatment regimine for now until further tests can be completed.

Again, in tears, I emphasize the fact that I am having trouble walking and my hips and back hurt to the touch. Well...whatever, we'll see what we can do and appointments are set up...as well as more tests.

At the end of that day, I made it home and found a letter from my life insurance agent listing the results of some routine urine and blood samples I had given. He suggested that I contact my physician as my white blood cell count is over seven times what it should be. Throughout all my maladies and tests lately, has anyone bothered to take a simple cheap urine sample?

Immediately this morning, I phone the PCP and inform her of the test results and she had me come in right away. After confirming that my counts are dangerously high and she hopes I have no kidney damage, I was started on some strong antibiotics. "Could these damage my already broken intestines," I ask? "That is possible, " she responds.

1. I do not understand why urine samples were not taken when everything else was.
2. I do not understand why I got no response when I complained of my hip and back pain. I rarely complain of pain and never that badly.
3. I do not understand why a physician can't think out of the box.
4. I am concerned that physicians just want to make money off expensive tests.

Nocturnal Chatterings #5

COUNTDOWN TO ZERO STATUS: ZERO Milligrams and Holding...Complications Persist....

WHO NEEDS SLEEP?
"Now I lay me down not to sleep
I just get tangled in the sheets
I swim in sweat three inches deep
I just lay back and claim defeat

Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats
The only thing that counts is
that I won't sleep

My hands are locked up tight in fists
My mind is racing, filled with lists
of things to do and things I've done
Another sleepless night's begun

There's so much joy in life,
so many pleasures all around
But the pleasure of insomnia
is one I've never found

With all life has to offer,
there's so much to be enjoyed
But the pleasures of insomnia
are ones I can't avoid"

--Barenaked Ladies, "Who Needs Sleep," Stunts, 1998.

- Yep, another sleepless one has arrived. I think I'm just too wound up from the day's events.
+ Today was stressful. Bomb threats usually are.
- I don't know what I would do if I lost a whole building full of people I know.
+ In addition, it is only DAY 4 since launch. Your chemicals are changing as we type.
- I've slept the past three nights though.
+ I think you had more physical pain and exhaustion those nights.
- I don't think the health situation is going very well. It is going to be very disappointing to have gone through all this Effexor-withdrawal suffering only to be prescribed a serotonin-Prozac-like drug to fix my broken colon.
+ Hopefully you can hold out long enough to try other alternatives.
- I just hope that I can avoid the sirens. It is hard because I am frequently tearful and very anxious.
- I continue to secretly hope that there is something better for me. I can't decide, if I were to have a choice, whether to provide a great contribution to humanity or just reach contentedness.
+Perhaps they are one and the same.
- But the great genius' and artists are known for their emotional suffering.
+ You still have both your ears, unlike Van Gogh.
- Yes but I did tear off a loose nail over the weekend...among other things.
+ ...we won't go there. But you did manage to make one fibro-massage appointment. So we'll just keep going down the list - one by one - until we get done what needs to be done.

Broken Poetic #2

it was too far to fall
the boards could not catch her
so she crashed through them
sending splinters into the void

when she opened her eyes
she could see the blood
and the crawl scrapings
along the walls from her previous visit

certain she would not again escape,
she sheltered herself into a ball
eyes closed again

much blackness -- all within her power to enlighten
but she had no success
she had known it was a risk to try
she did not know that she would lose
or what she even had to lose

Lies

Nothing works. Absolutely nothing. Seventeen years of therapy and she is just allegedly "stable." That's all. No contentment, no joy, just allegedly "stable." Considering the fact that there was no way anyone could be allegedly "stable" during the teenage years when she started, allegedly "stable" doesn't have much credence as to the effectiveness of therapy.

Essentially, allegedly "stable" is the equivalent of "not causing a disturbance" or "is quiet" or "no sirens." Nevermind the fact that her inner world is still so miserable that she counts her stockpile of pills in hopes that the little arsenal will take care of herself once and of all. Nevermind the fact that she is starving herself to death again. And, of course, nevermind the temptations of being crushed under a rail train. None of this has to be concerned about because she has learned to play the game. She is "just so very smart" that she will surely pull herself out of this one too. Again, nevermind that the alleged "brilliance" of her IQ is yet another thing that sets her into more hellish isolation.

Everything is about the bottom line lately and the bottom line here is that she would have been better off if they'd left her alone and allowed her to perish to begin with because hope for anything else is all ALLEGED.

Nocturnal Chatterings #4: I Want My Cake Now

+ The body can only take so much stress and now it has broken down. I know that they say it will be this way forever but maybe we can reverse it.

- I don’t know how that would be possible considering that I am too overwhelmed to do anything about it. One person says to eat grain the other to eat soluble white bread, another person says it’s ok to have nuts, another says it’s not, another says dairy is fine but someone else say sit is a big NO.

- I have so many lists of chiropractors vs physical therapists vs massage therapists vs acupuncturists vs reiki vs internal medicine vs shrinks. I’m just going to put my right leg in, then take it out, then shake it all about then turn around really fast until I fall down, hit my head, and go into a coma. If that does not work then I will have to go to Plan B: volunteer to be a mercenary.

+I think you have to figure out what works for you.

- I’m fairly sure that is not possible considering it takes all my energy to just do what I can to get to this job I am lousy at everyday and then make it home between driving around the entire county for 13 different medical appoints per month..

+You have to break the cycle of that

- I think I need to break my skull.

+ That won’t work.

- When did I become such a whiny needy wench? I strongly need to be independent and move on with things. It's not like anyone is going to help. I sure do not know what to do. No one needs me, so why should I even want to need anyone else? I need to move away and get a new career and life. This whole blog is pathetic.

+Perhaps you are not ready.

- Perhaps you are full of crap. My knees, joints, hip bones swell and I can’t catch my breath. What’s it all worth anyway? NOTHING.

How Do We Choose Our Battles?

"What you are about to see in there is not easy. It will take your courage." -- Felix Mutagoma, the Mayor of Gikongoro, a small town three hours southwest of Kigali, Rwanda

Hoping to see a simple action-adventure flick, I purchased tickets to Blood Diamond this past weekend and was caught off-guard when I found myself doing the whole "Hotel-Rwanda-experience" again -- tears and all. These types of atrocities are always difficult to watch. Personally knowing African refugees makes it that much harder.

I have nothing profound to say and no clever comments to make that haven't already been said by someone. I'll just type a couple of quotes that stand out in my mind from the movie:

• African citizen to another: "I can't imagine what will happen to us if they ever discover oil here."
• African citizen to American Journalist: "If you write about this, will the Americans help?" Journalist: "No..."

Go to http://blooddiamondmovie.warnerbros.com/ and click the "Global Conflict" link for a time line of events.

A Rwanda Photo Essay

False Imprisonment

COUNTDOWN TO ZERO STATUS: 18.25 Milligrams and Holding...Complications Arise....

Messenger: Eliminate all red meat, dairy, fried foods, egg yolks, coffee, soda pop, and alcohol from your diet. Never eat high fat foods, even in small portions, on an empty stomach or without soluble fiber. Better still, don't eat them at all. Avoid garlic, onions, leeks, broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, asparagus, and Brussels sprouts, citrus fruits, vinegars, cooked tomatoes, juices with fructose.

For the next couple of weeks eat only rice cereals, pasta, fresh white bread, soy, cornmeal, potatoes (NO BUTTER), bananas, applesauce.

me: Edible food in house = one baking potato and some pasta.

Shopping Attempt #1 - Location = organic foods market:

1. Enter store with list
2. See no familiar brands
3. Lost bewilderment ensues
   
4. Overwhelmed by strange foods
5. Spy 50+ cheeses and panic! Can't have cheese!
   
6. Burst into tears and exit.
   

Shopping Attempt #2 - Location = regular market:

1. Enter store with list
2. See many familiar and desireable brands. No, can't have any of those....
3. Lost bewilderment ensues
4. Overwhelmed by other shoppers sampling the nicities and buying up Christmas meats and baking goods.
5. Spy row of cheeses and butters and panic! Spy Coke Classic and panic! Spy pastries and double panic!
6. Grab Cream of Rice, other junk, and leave tearfully. Forgot Peppermint tea for the tummy.
7. Arrive home hysterically crying, throw away/replace allot of real food, then crawl into bed hoping Angry Anniearexia will not be triggered into visiting soon.
   

Spouse: What is fibromyalgia and IBS?

me: those are some new prison cells sent down by God because I do not have enough of them already. All a part of the war effort I suppose.

Hope #7

"Sometimes...for some people...things don't work out as they might have HOPED. .......HOPE...is a currency for people who know they're losing...the more familiar you are with hope the less beautiful it becomes. ....you'll never wake up a new person but someday you might wake up and see things, hear things, and think things differently."*

Yes, I know I've already used this quote in the post "Hope #1". It comforts me at this time.

There have been numerous times when I have come across day-to-day life situations (aka, people) in which I have experienced significant emotional turmoil. First, I always ask myself two things:

1. What can I do to change this situation?
2. What can I do to change the way I react to this situation?
   

If I cannot succeed in the above two questions, then I have to ask myself if I need to remove myself from the situation. Because removing myself from such situation usually causes unpleasant chaos and tumult, I never want to follow-through. However, the inevitable occurs when I become so dysfunctional and distraught that I must follow-through and endure the agony of it regardless.

I have ended many situations in my life, some which could have killed me and others not near so extreme. Sometimes, just removing myself from the situation for a while makes all the difference. Sometimes it is ok to go back to those situations - with a new outlook. Most of the time, it is better to move on (for me anyway).

On a few occasions, an amount of time would go by and I ended up with regrets -- wondering if a made a mistake. Then, some time later, I realized either "That was a good thing to end" or "THANK GOD THAT IS OVER."

As I look around my life now with the need to make some lifestyle changes, I am afraid and can't imagine that any changes I make will be of any good. It seems that everything in my life is just too daunting and impossible to change.

Surprising though, is the answer I get when I was myself if I, at this moment, regret any of those painful foreclosures I have initiated in the past? The answer is a surprising "no." I am unpredictably fine and the better for it (which of course also scares me.)

*Sixteen Years of Alcohol, 2003.

Conversations With Ignorance #1.03

ignorance: Do I have to get a license to drive a scooter?
me: It depends on how fast the scooter goes...
ignorance: I want just a normal small one so that I can drive it to the bar and home and not have to worry about the whole drinking and driving issue.
me: You think that you can operate a scooter while drunk?
ignorance: I think it would be easier than a car.
me: You came in yesterday and were unable to recognize that your clothes were inside-out because of your drinking the night before, right?
ignorance: No, I frequently do not notice that kind of thing regardless of drinking.
me: :::recalls ignorance accidentally wearing first grade son's pants:::
me: Ok, you're right.
ignorance: The whole thing is perfect because I will get no more DUI's.
me: If you operate ANY motorized vehicle while under the influence you can get a DUI.
third-party-listener: Hey, remember that man who got arrested for driving a lawn mower drunk?!!!
ignorance: Damn!
ignorance: :::walks away moping::: :::gibberish:::

Broken Poetic #1

cold winter day on a parking lot
christmas shoppers bustle about
broken down again, the tears fall
she screams and hopes to die
no one hears or looks into her eyes

another table for one won't do today

The Fear Of God Lies In A Toothless Cat

“All of our unhappiness comes from our inability to be alone.”
--Jean de la Bruyere (French satiric moralist, 1645-1696)

I was a little late this year getting my two guy cats to the vet so I ended up doing the loud "crash-chase-around-the-house-and-capture" routine yesterday. They are both getting old so I suspected that the vet would recommend a teeth-cleaning (which requires anesthesia) for both of them and indeed she did. What I didn't expect to hear was that my favorite cat, Baby, has a severe tooth infection and will need to have the tooth pulled or the infection could go to his heart and he will die. It was at that point that the Fear began to hit me.

Yes, I do recall the series of Betta fish posts I did recently, how afraid and upset I was, and how I survived Lazzy's death but this is beyond that. I got Baby too-soon after he was born and he could fit in my hand. Since the first night I got him, he has preferred to sleep on my head at night. At first it was annoying but I became used to it and preferred it. Now that he is 16-lbs, sleeping on my head is a little annoying again and I have breathing and allergy problems but I still prefer it.

When Baby first came to live with us I wasn't too happy about it. He is a black cat and I wanted an orange one. I was home all day in those days, he was constantly at my side doing something, and I did not care for the invasion. Now, he continues to stay within a few feet of me when I am home but now I go looking for him if he is having an independent moment and I do not like him not being nearby.

He is more loving and affectionate than any other cat, or person, I've known. He likes to lick me (yuck), cuddle, "spoon" in bed, stare into my eyes, listen to me, and tell me how he feels (which he does ALLOT of.) I don't think he is 100% cat but is also part dog and part human. He is able to fetch and bark. Hmmm...now that I think about it, he also sounds like a raccoon and pig at times...so add those animals to his breeding. He frequently sits human-style and other such things.

Yes, he is my best friend and I have never been closer to another living being than I am with him. (In fact, now that he has heard me typing, he needs to lie on the keyboard.)

Being close to others has been an issue with me lately. It has become more clear to me that all my current relationships are what I call "arms-length" relationships because that is the distance I am kept from others. How much of this has to do with me versus them remains to be determined but in any event, it has become quite painful.

I do pretty much everything alone and spend most of my time alone at work and home. Except for drinking and happy hours (which do not count as real human contact), no one asks me to spend time with them and no one accepts my few requests either. No, I do not have any family. I'm not emotionally intimate with my spouse and he cannot list one reason as to why he loves or stays with me so the cat is pretty much all I have (next to myself, of course.)

Being so alone and experiencing the "ultimate-aloneness" that everyone runs from is definitely my equivalent to the "Fear of God" phenomenon. The knowledge that I have to drop Baby off at a vet's office, leave him screaming (yes, he does scream), crying, hissing, and ALONE in a place where something painful and dangerous will happen causes my stomach to hurt more than the colonoscopy and sickness I experienced lately ever could.

Conversations With Ignorance #1.02

ignorance: Do you know anything about drug testing because I'm in a bind...iasli hidfh :::gibberish:::
me: Not really...why?
ignorance: I have to take a drug test for the new job.
me: Why is that a problem?
ignorance: I might have accidentally smoked some cocaine.
me: :::gives dead stare:::
me: ...accidentally?
ignorance: I was at a friends house last night and grabbed his cigarette and there was cocaine on it so now it might be in my body!!!
me: How does that even happen?
ignorance: He had been doing cocaine and there was some in the ashtray!
me: So why did you smoke his cigarette?
ignorance: I didn't know!
me: You didn't realize there was cocaine around you?
ignorance: No! I don't do drugs. I don't think I felt anything so maybe I didn't get enough in me, what do you think?
me: Just come clean with your employer and tell them that you hang out with druggies and may have accidentally ingested some.
ignorance: Really?
me: NOT.
me: Go to Walgreen's over lunch, bring it back here, and we'll all take a look at it.
ignorance: :::exits to Walgreen's:::

Nocturnal Chatterings #3

COUNTDOWN TO ZERO STATUS: 18.25 Milligrams and Holding....

- I don't think I can blame it all on the Effexor and Serotonin issue anymore. Something else has happened. Sick in the bathroom eight times today. I can feel something chewing away my stomach lining. I'm wondering if an alien has indeed crawled up my ass and should I phone Sigourney Weaver.

- The girls say I'm wasting time on therapy, being brainwashed.

+ I think the girls need brainwashing. You certainly do not want to end up like ignorance 1.*.

- I can't tell for sure. Everyone keeps me at arms-length. I am feared and am not sure why. Is it because I'm quiet or is it because they can sense my radiation leak or do I send out hidden messages to stay-the-hell away.

- I do not know how long is too long for any given situation. You stay a decade with someone then BANG you wonder what happened and why you didn't take the job overseas.

Conversations With Ignorance #1.01

ignorance: Lawyers are too expensive!!! i got ahosid arrested aoshi khidh khraphali ::gibberish::
me: you got what?
ignorance: those assholes arrested me this weekend
me: the police arrested you?
ignorance: yeah they asihd hli left ihlis walk home dark
me: why were you arrested?
ignorance: they arrested me for trespassing when I went on the (gambling) boat this past weekend and I'm going to sue
me: didn't you have your name put on the state gambling addictions list so that you would not be allowed on the boat without being arrested?
ignorance: yeah, but that was two years ago
me: doesn't the list last for five years?
ignorance: nobody told me
me: ...but you signed the paper telling you...
ignorance: yeah, but it was dangerous because then they made me walk all the way across town in the dark back to my car at the boat. I could have been attacked! I bought some beer so that I would look like a street bum.
me: ...
ignorance: I'm gonna sue for defamation of character and endangerment.
me: ...but you had put yourself on the list...
ignorance: yeah, but sidh lih ehi ...I've been making allot of money at online casinos and remember Vegas last month?
me: ...didn't you get beat up there?
ignorance: those d*mn ...
me: ...
ignorance: I've got to get a lawyer before my first court date! I'm not sure I can defend myself.
me: ...
me: just tell the judge this - "Hey Judge, bet you five dollars that I'm not an addict!"
ignorance: ...I don't know if that will work...

Girls On Motorcycles

I can gauge allot about a person by just mentioning that I ride a motorcycle. Perhaps because I come across as being more on the feminine side of female, I have come across no one who would ever guess that I am commando of my own crotch-rocket. In any event, the reactions from others basically reveal two types of people:

1. Someone who gets defensive and/or critical. If male: penis and manhood issues are evident. If female: lack of own personal freedom.
2. Someone who thinks it's cool. If male: "I love to ride" or "Girls who ride motorcycles ARE HOT." If female: "I love to ride" or "I want to ride" or "That's NOT for me.

It's really has been a long and rocky road to owning my own bike. I've wanted some sort of motorbike since I was about five but was repeatedly denied because of danger and being a girl. My father actually bought me a "broken" three-wheeler at one point and claimed that he would "fix it up" for me. It sat in the tool shed for over a year before he informed me that it was junk and sold it to someone. It's amazing how the bike went from completely broken down one day to happily being ridden by a boy (half my age at the time) across town the following day. In any event, I had allot of good imaginary rides on that bike.

When I did finally decide to take a motorcycle class a couple of years ago, I provided those around me with my usual type of amusement. However, it was when I actually went out and bought a motorcycle that the craziness ensued. Everyone who had been previously amused was then loudly vocalizing their disapproval of my decision. Sample comments:

• "You are too tiny to ride a motorcycle."
• "Motorcycles are too dangerous for you."
• "You are going to get yourself killed."
• "You are a girl and are not supposed to be on a motorcycle."
• "You are crazy."
• "Why, it just goes against nature!"
  

Two years later, most of the negative comments have disappeared but people remained preoccupied with it. Instead of "How are you doing?" questions, I get asked "Are you still riding your motorcycle?" To a couple of people who are really silly-obsessed over it, I have started making up stuff like: "Yeah, I've turned the blocks around the mall into my own personal racetrack" or "Yeah, I actually scraped some sparks off my footpegs going around Big Bend the other day." or "Yeah, I cut thirty-minutes off my commute yesterday by passing on the curb on 270." (When people hear "motorcycle," they incorrectly assume that I am a careless speed-demon who weaves in and out of traffic at 150mph.)

Life is too hard to not do what you enjoy in order to please the expectations of others. I had more to say on the subject but blogspot lost the original version of this post so I had to revert to a back-up. I'll just end with some quotes from the late racecar driver Dale Earnhardt Sr.:

"Finishing races is important, but racing is more important. "
“You can't let one bad moment spoil a bunch of good ones.”
"The winner ain't the one with the fastest car its the one who refuses to lose”

Conversations With Ignorance and People Who Make More Money Than I #1

::phone rings::
me: hello
ignorance: hey, whassup?
me: not much
ignorance: hey we're happyghoudrhaosodijfapsoiijaisdhahd ::gibberish::
me: slow down and repeat - I can't understand you
ignorance: there's probably going to be a happy hour for me this wednesday to celebrate my last day at the old job.
me: I thought you gave up happy hours and smoking...for the 6th time this year...
ignorance: the American Lung Association told me not to quit smoking
me: ... come again?
ignorance: ::repeats self::
me: ... you actually SPOKE to the American Lung Association?
ignorance: yeah, they said to not quit smoking right now since I'm having a major life change (job change)
me: ...
ignorance: it's for the best anyway since I'm on a buttload of codeine.
me: ... (afraid to ask)
ignorance: I'm in allot of pain
me: ::giving in:: what did you do?
ignorance: me and my buddies were bowallihp asiuh asdhuihe asdhfh wii
me: slow down and repeat - I can't understand you
ignorance: me and my buddies were bowling on the Nintendo Wii and I threw the ball too hard and smashed my hand into a light bulb and ...ashid hiosihf asoihd jijfe ::gibberish::
me: ...
ignorance: I didn't want to go to the ER but there was so much blood it wouldn't stop bleeding! I had to get twelve stiches and then shreoiw hsidfhioh sldkj hihsih ... ::gibberish::
me: ...
ignorance: ...so anyway, I'll call you later and let you know where the happy our will be. I didn't quite make it in to work todasdih hisdili ashdjfh iohehks ::gibberish::
me: k

Hope #6

After a ruthless 24 hours of expelling my insides from every orifice, chills, tremors, hysteria, cramping, and parathesia, stopping the 18.75 mg just did not work. It seems I have not been able to keep food in my body for more than six hours for the past four weeks. Now taking Levbid, Immodium, Prilosec, and Emetrol for the GI distress alone, I wish I'd started Heroin instead. I do not recall a disclaimer for SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome, Serotonin Syndrome, or anything of the kind when I started this poison a decade or so ago.

If 95% of Serotonin is secreted by the gut, what does it mean to my body if Serotonin re-uptake has been inhibited for a decade and then is overwhelmed by Serotonin to the point of toxicity and near-death then is forced to go back to normal functioning? Is it too broken? I have lost time over the past eleven months due to some sort of Serotonin/Effexor-related catastrophe. I wish I had been given a choice to begin with.

Hope #5

i am the sore that they fear -- the one they avoid -- the pain that they run from -- the girl under the bed whose head -- fragile as an eggshell -- cracks to reveal the betrayal and hopelessness that they hate -- the one who runs naked and exposed through the cemetery mind -- the one they choose to avoid because they fear themselves but it is i who suffer as well -- left alone and abandoned to be eaten alive by the infections of my own sores -- the gnawing away -- the destruction and collapse of the shell -- freezing, shivering, sweating, raw and open with tremors i expel the acidic evidence boiling in the pit of my stomach up into my throat and down onto the discarded jeans next to my bed on this my first complete day without any effexor for the past lost decade....

Bullet In A Bible #4

...Born and raised by hypocrites.

Hearts recycled but never saved

from the cradle to the grave

we are the kids of war and peace

from anahem to the middle east

we are the stories and disciples of

the jesus of suburbia

land of make believe

and it dont believe in me and i dont care!

At less that a week old, I had already had my first trip to church. Up until not long ago, I attended weekly services more often than not for the next thirty years in a non-Catholic but typical Jesus-based denomination. A few years ago after the "DaVinci Code" and other related phenomena, I seriously began to question the beliefs that I had been taught my entire life. I switched faiths despite my fear of being executed down by the almighty strike of lightening and it was quite a big event that gave me stomach-aches for a number of months (my childhood religion was one of the "fire and brimstone variety".) It's an inevitable event in the life of anyone who chooses to take the path of personal growth: to question and seek out one's own belief in a higher power.

Though I have been very pleased with my decision to change faiths, I still have many questions and even more doubts that plague me. I keep telling myself that I am only asking the same questions that have been asked for generations:

• Did Jesus exist?
• Was Jesus divine?
• How can God allow bad things to happen?
• Do any of these issues even matter if you lead an honorable, noble, and loving life?

I tend to answer the last question with a big "no," yet I still cannot get myself to attend services any longer. If there is one thing that I cannot do is participate in an activity that I do not believe in or pretend to be someone that I am not and I have not decided on either.

I do believe that the role of decent churches in a community is vital. No matter what the details are of the religious premise, truly loving churches provide a resource to those in need. I fear what would happen if there were no churches to hand out coats and food to the poor or minister to those who have lost loved ones or to just support each other. So if I believe in churches and faith so much then what is my problem? Why am I no longer participating in something I believe in? Is it the late Sunday mornings at IHOP I have been enjoying? Am I too bitter over my childhood bruises? Have I seen too much beyond-the-norm hypocrisy (so I've become a part of it)? Is it too painful to see nice people who do not yell and scream during services? Because nothing is simple, it is probably all of the above and then some.

I have no answer and another Sunday approacheth. At this time, I live the life of a powerless being flopping about helplessly and struggling to just breathe until I am either able to pick myself up and throw myself back in, I get kicked in the backside, or just die.

the best darn archeological religious stuff around is here

Nocturnal Chatterings #2

- i never know whether or not to lay here or get up. maybe i should blog.

+you've already blogged once tonight and need your sleep

-i took the ambien with no success. It might have to do with the new titration from 37.5 mg to 18.75 mg. It's been almost a week and no hysteria but plenty of other problems.

+still could be the withdrawal, you should get some rest. you are developing medical conditions.

-therapy was strange tonight. they still think i have trauma issues to resolve. i don't want to be angry like they want me to be. anger ends up making me cry and i don't want to.

+the sooner you get on the matter then the sooner it will be over.

-but i don't believe that anymore --that there is some type of end--i've seen no proof of it. I can't take any more pills of any nature because a limb may fall off or something else equally disastrous.

+ ...

-i'm thinking about doing a "girl in a bar" adventure blog.

+would this girl be someone we know, dare i ask?

-of course not, purely fictional yet symbolic of anyone

+.... i thought you were doing Green Day blogs this week.

-oh, ok, hold on...i think i have something:

Brain Stew
I'm having trouble trying to sleep
I'm counting sheep but running out
As time ticks by, still I try
No rest for crosstops in my room
On my own, here we go

My eyes feel like they're going to bleed
Dried up and bulging out my skull
My mouth is dry, my face is numb
Fucked up and spun out in my room
On my own, here we go

My mind is set on overdrive
The clock is laughing in my face
A crooked spine, my sense is dulled
Passed the point of delirium
On my own, here we go

Bullet In A Bible #3

"[Hrmph...(coughing into microphone)]...MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE?!!! THE REPRESENTATIVE FROM MISSOURI NOW HAS THE FLOOR!...

...Seek out to the president gasbag !
Bombs away is your punishment !
Pulverize the Eiffel tower
who criticized your government !
Bang bang goes the broken glass man -
Kill all the fags that don't agree !
Triumph by fires, sinning buyers !
Is that a way that's meant for me ?

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies !
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives !"

--Billie Joe Armstrong / Green Day

Bullet In A Bible #2

"REMEMBER ONE THING: Regardless of who the powers that be are - the people that you elect (and) the people that I elect into office - remember that we have the fucking power -we're the fucking leaders! Don't let these bastards dictate your life and try to tell you what to do!" --Bille Joe Armstrong/GreenDay

How many election-related blogs will there be this week? If I am doing Green Day blogs this week, then there is no way that I CAN'T mention voting. Personally, I rarely vote because I believe in the person or the issue. If anything, I vote because I believe in the principle.

I think that the higher up an official is, the less I am voting for him or her but am voting for a group of people whose faces and names I've probably never seen or heard. These people are mostly "yes-men/women." Mostly manipulative, self-serving, and malicious, these people will stop at nothing to get what they want --including rigging and hacking the voting boxes.

It is not enough to just go and vote but we also have to ASSURE that our votes are counted properly with no tampering. The current software used for voting machines, alone, is enough to destroy any chances of a fair election. The software company, DIEBOLD, has openly admitted for the past two years that they purposely left a backdoor into their software "so that election officials would be able to update their systems easily." They go on to justify these actions by claiming: "For there to be a problem here, you're basically assuming a premise where you have some evil and nefarious election officials who would sneak in and introduce a piece of software... I don't believe these evil elections people exist."

"I DON"T BELIEVE THESE EVIL ELECTIONS PEOPLE EXIST"! IS THIS FOR REAL? Hearing this makes me want to become an extremist. I should just write in Nancy Grace on my ballot for president during when those elections come along.

Green Day at the Imperial war Museum: "Hiroshima: they made a gallery of other people's pain..."

St. Louis Ballot

Diebold

Bullet in A Bible #1

"I'm the son of rage and love - the jesus of suburbia - from the bible of "none of the above"
on a steady diet of soda pop and ritalin ... but there's nothing wrong with me - this is how i'm supposed to be - in the land of make believe - that don't believe in me..."

Green Day's "Bullet In A Bible" album (the live version of the "American Idiot" album) has been out for over a year now but I still get chills listening to it or watching the DVD. It perfectly represents the war within us so, of course, I have allot to say about it. Actually, to me, it's not so much an album to talk about but to feel. The main songs that get to me are "Jesus of Suburbia", "American Idiot", "Wake Me Up When September Ends", and "Holiday."

The quote above is from Billie Joe Armstrong, the lead of Green Day, referencing their rock-opera-like piece "Jesus of Suburbia." In regards to this piece he stated, "...Jesus of Suburbia scared the shit out of me, there's too much emotion at stake there. The first two lines alone scare the living piss out of me but excite me as well. It was opening up something that dug up some past demons that I thought I had closed off long time ago but never reconciled. It's about all the emotional baggage we come with and finally having an outlet for it."

Here are some quotes from fans during the infamous New England concert:

"People want the voice"

"Green Day challenges people to think about life."

"Green Day is all about being who you are...a
minority...and not being afraid of anything else.
You've got to be who you are and not be scared of
that. They bring out something you didn't know
you had before and if anyone tells you otherwise
you just have to give them the finger.

All of us want a voice and most of us have a hard time finding ours because it has been stuffed down into the deep recesses of our souls. In yet another age of war and tragedy, Green Day brings words to feelings most of us can't express. Truly from their punk-rock roots, they empower all the stereotypical "geeks and queers" who get beat up on the playground and loudly declare it ok to be whoever we may be.

The encouragement is emplowering for the masses in times of need, including myself but the question lies in what do each one of us do with this? Do we ignore it and shrug it off? Does it make us angry? Does it make us sad? If so, what do we do about that? What constructive act can I do to bring purpose to crap in my own life or is there anything? I'd like to be a leader of a rock-n-roll band too but I think I'm past the prime for that. So should I just take pills and stare at the tv or rally at the courthouse or just hold someone's hand? Should I leave the cube-farm at work and head to war-torn Africa? Or should I be an emotional head-case? It really is a big question if you let it be. What would you do?

Another Billy Joe quote : "People ask me what would I do with myself if I weren't in Green Day and I say 'I AM Green Day.' If I weren't in a band I would STILL BE Green Day because I do what I am."

The Pursuit of the Extinction of Evil Hauntings Within...or Without?

I have two DVD collections -- one of which is Halloween: Curse of Michael Myers series. Every Halloween I try to watch at least one of the Halloweens. The simple theme-music alone gives me chills. I honestly do not know why but Dr. Loomis' symbolism continues to pull me in.

Why does he bother? He's been going at it for years! The crazed doctor chases and shoots Michael over and over with no success but he keeps on going despite being caught afire and mutilated!

Loomis quotes from H1:

Loomis: I would suggest a maximum security ward...not a minimum security institution...he has an instinctive force within him...he's waiting...
Medical Board: (waiting) for what?
Loomis: I don't know....There is insufficient security here....
Medical Board: ...perhaps someone else should take on his care...
Loomis: ...I'll stay with him....
++++
Loomis (to Michael): You fooled them, haven't you Michael? BUT NOT ME...
++++
Loomis to nurse: understand what we are dealing with here...don't underestimate IT....
Nurse: Don't you think we should refer to "it" as "him?".
Loomis: ...if you think so.......
"HE'S GONE FROM HERE! ...HE'S ESCAPED...THE EVIL HAS ESCAPED!!!"
++++
Loomis on Phone to Haddonfield Police: He's on his way...you better believe me officer, he's coming to Haddonfield...(why?) because I KNOW him...you must be ready for Him...if you don't (then) it's your funeral.
++++
Loomis to Policeman: This is NOT A MAN!!!
Policeman: You seem just plain scared
Loomis: "I met this six-year old child with this blank, pale, emotionless face, with the blackest eyes. I tried for seven years to reach him and another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized that what was living behind that boy's eyes was simply and purely evil."
++++
[Loomis Shoots Michael]
Laurie: Was that the boogeyman?
Loomis: As a matter of fact, IT was.

Corporate Hell #3 SP1

Another night on the floor has arrived. It feels like a wicked cornstalk is creeping it's way from my stomach up to my throat about to strangle me. I took only a half-effexor again this morning and will take a whole tomorrow morning in another attempt at titration. If that doesn't work then screw it, I'll take the drug.

I've been blaming myself for my piss-poor performance at the new job. I'm not even good at math so I don't know what I was thinking when I decided to switch careers. I'd been contemplating a new career path and then, in desparation, I installed the 350+MB beta Service Pack 1 for Visual Studio 2005 and many things worked that did not work before.

I have a long history of blaming myself for situations out of my control. I'd rather have a questionable internal locus of control than feel helpless. One one hand, helpless is so much horrible but on the other hand it is at least some sort of reality. It really doesn't matter because either way I end up wanting to do train-diving.

Regardless, I'm still no genius and cannot read binary code without a tool so if I'm going to be mediocre then why bother. It took at least an hour this morning for me to reverse engineer some gwbasic code to locate and decipher just one of the formulas I need. I'm fairly certain that my mediocrity is glaringly evident at the new job and the VS2005 disaster that killed my deadlines has worsened it ten times over. Being homeless and on the street completely alone is a worst fear of mine so I should discuss my status with the boss and get it over with.

The floor is not completely hard. I took the memory-foam off the bed and folded it in half.

Nocturnal Chatterings #1

- It's Sunday night again before work and I can't sleep again. I thought I got rid of that problem.

+Work doesn't seem so bad, I wonder why.

- Because it is another being that sucks the life out of me and leaves me with no time to do what I'd like to do with myself. It traps me.

- I also can't sleep because it feels as if my stomach is empty even though i had a snack.

+ That's because your intestines are broken again and there is probably nothing in them.

- I think I'm going to have to relocate to the floor again, it is calmer down there.

+ The bed has a history of being a cesspool to helldom.

- I don't want to take Ambien again. My stomach is still empty. I've had to sleep before with an empty stomach but did not know it. So many household arguments over plain dumb oatmeal. I hate plain oatmeal but just eat it to get stuff shut up.

+ At least you have a bed of your own this time even though you tend not to use it lately.

- I'm haunted. It's Halloween again and I am still haunted. Running through the woods with the crunch of the leaves betraying my location. How can leaves be so pretty when they are dying? Then they are bland brown when they are dead. It's cruel and I hate it.

+ Millions of people suffer from insomnia and a growing more of trauma-related disorders.

-I don't know why that is relevant or helpful to me. I still don't know why we bother.

-I'm going to try something else to eat and then try the floor. If I have to take a pill then I have to take a pill. I can't allow myself to get run down again because I have nowhere to turn.

Hope #4 : Anxiety Rips off the Skin

I'm not going to make it. When the anxiety hits then I just know I will not make it -- that I will end up like this for the rest of my life and I cannot live with the thought of that. I have endured this too long to be able to live with the thought of it going on forever.

I took a half dose of the Effexor yesterday and today I am so anxious that I feel the need to tear off my skin, to scrape it off with a sharp-toothed comb. One-half of 37.5 mg is 18.75 mg. Such a small change should not make such a difference -- especialy since I have been titrating for so long.

Damn them all to hell for ever have allowed those doctors to put me on medication to begin with. I was not depressed. I was traumatized and if they had stepped up to the plate and said, "This is not about her. We are literally screwing her in the *ss and she is reacting to that. This is about us. We need fixing, not her.", then I would not be going through this. I would not be wanting to tear out my hair, eyes, and nails. In fact, I would have not endured allot of what I have.

Action equals reaction so fix the damn action instead. I should be able to go out today into the sun and do something I enjoy instead of shivering and crying.

Corporate Hell #3

It's been three weeks since my escape from the depths of the labyrinth cubes in Corporate Helldom to my current desk in the world of small business life. Wildly tossed about and holding on for dear life, I feel as if I have jumped from one the Titanic to the Minnow. At least this boat is not sinking...as far as I know.

Living for so long in the irritating safety of red tape dulled my technical skillset and now I am playing catch up by desparately coding into all hours of the nights and weekends. I may be getting too old for this.

Fortunately, a couple of times per week there are other refugees from the old place seeking asylum elsewhere and this is beneficial for me because I enjoy the happy-hour-freedom-parties. However, back at the Titanic, the multi-million dollar disaster continues to reek all hell and the hired-gun continues to net up the fish.

You can usually get a profile of any employee by what is on his or her desk but you can TRULY spot a sharp and savvy Information Systems (IS) employee by what is NOT on the desk. This is for two related reasons:

1. When things go really bad in IS, they go REALLY REALLY VERY bad. From the business-critical databases to the core functioning networking of the company, if something goes majorly wrong there is no time to grab stuff off the desk before either running out the door or getting booted out the door. Having access to highly crucial systems means no two-week notices if you are to go because that gives you time to bring down the vessel.
   
2. In addition, the higher you go, the further you fall. More reason NOT to keep personal items on your desk and another sign of your savviness.
   

Naive out-of-touch staff do not realize this and oogle over their photos, figurines, and plants.

As a side note, staff with "attitude-issues" keep the Daily Dilbert on their desks. I took mine home before I ever gave resignation and it now sits alone with me at my new desk on the Minnow as I again struggle to keep afloat.

The True Fighting Spirit of the Betta Spendens and How do We Ever Survive? #3

Lazzy flaring at the world in his earlier days.
On the morning of October 12 I awoke to find Lazzy's body lying on the bottom of the tank. I had cried for him the night before and told him that it would be ok if he needed to move on. I thanked him for all that he had given me, apologized for his hard life, and let him know that I did not want him to suffer any longer if he did not want to do so.

I thought I would take it better but cried on and off for the rest of the day. It's been twelve days since his passing yet just a couple of nights ago I found myself crying again while thinking about him. He died before I could figure out why he fought so hard.

Obviously, Lazzy meant more to me than just a fish. I'm sure a professional would claim that I was projecting or having some type of transference reaction. Perhaps he represented a lost part of myself or maybe I was struggling with an explanation for my own reasons to continue on in harsh circumstances.

It is my suscpicion that the instinct to survive is so strong for most living creatures that it is just too hard to give up. No matter what hardships the body endures it keeps going for as long as possible. The force is so strong that it is almost cruel. Humans, in particular, can take decades of the worst experiences possible and yet live for decades more.

Regardless of any of this, Lazarus has died again but is probably not going to rise anytime soon.

Fake Plastic People

To me, a "fake" person is someone who walks around with a shell-like emptiness inside. I don't think that the person is truly empty, just repressed. Regardless, I do not like to have these people in my personal life. In fact, I despise these people. They hit a nerve in me.

I know I should feel compassion for these people and perhaps on some level I do but, for the most part, they can stay the hell away from me. Yes, a nerve gets hit there....

I know we all have our vices but these people continually run around in a pretend world hiding behind whatever suits them the best whether it be alcohol, television, gambling, socializing, intellectualism, materialism or whatever. Anything can be a vice.

Vices can be useful, I suppose. We can't all run around emotionally raw all the time. However, in my experience when a person is constantly "in-hiding" then WATCH OUT because something is going to cave-in somewhere and innocent people get crushed and destroyed in the process. Hmmm....the nerve gets touched on again...

Having grown up around fake plastic people and seen the evil that sows itself in the souls of those people (aka "my nerve"), I had promised myself that I would not become one of them. Though not near 100%, I've tried to deal upfront with crap that has come my way. Since the whole process is a pain in the ass, I have sweated it out, and continue to try to do so, then why should I now be around others who do not try?

Being around fake people is like living in a glass box that they can't see. I can yell and scream at them to pay attention and have a REAL conversation but they just don't GET IT. Someone could be bleeding and dying in that box and it wouldn't faze them. The bottom line is that I would rather be completely and physically alone than feel alone with these people.

Hope #3

I hear it all the time: "You can't change the past."

I do not believe this.

The past repeats itself and we all have the power to change that.

Hope #2

Serotonin Syndrome Symptoms:
* Cognitive effects: mental confusion, hypomania, agitation, headache, coma.
* Autonomic effects: shivering, sweating, fever, hypertension, tachycardia, nausea, diarrhea.
* Somatic effects: myoclonus/clonus (muscle twitching), hyperreflexia, tremor.

After losing consciousness on three occasions, almost having a stroke, days in the hospital, two additional ER visits, lost work, and months of being deathly ill, no doctor believed that my symptoms were medication-related. I had all the symptoms above minus the coma.

However, per the walgreens.com drug-interaction tool and my pharmacist, it is not advisable to have a patient on multiple serotonin-related medications. It took a layperson to point this out and, interestingly enough, I have not fallen to the floor since titrating off these poisons.

These events of the past ten months started with a bout of insomnia. It was an unusually-long bout so medication was recommended. Unfortunately and asininely, health insurance only covers a limited amount of insomnia medication within a certain amount of time (14 pills every 28 days -- never mind, that anyone can get practically UNLIMITED amounts of Valium or Xanax with NO problem.) Regardless, I needed more than 2 weeks of sleep so the doctor prescribed an anti-depressant and increased the serotonin syndrome symptoms.

I have 37.5 more milligrams of Effexor to go before I am off the stuff. I tried stopping at this dose once but it was a train wreck. I have been coming off the toxin for the past three months and I don't think the worst is yet here. Google "Effexor withdrawal" and you will see. Actually you can try these samples:

http://depression.about.com/cs/venlafaxine/a/brainshivers.htm
http://www.join-the-fun.com/effexorwithdrawal.html
http://www.rxlist.com/rxboard/effexor.pl?read=501

The bottom line is that no matter HOW depressed I ever get or if I have to be mildly depressed and anxious for the REST of my life I will NEVER take an anti-depressant again to cope with something that I should be coping with in a more constructive manner. For myself only, I consider it substandard to live life hiding behind a pill and I refuse to give in to it anytime soon. I HOPE that I never do.

I'm not claiming that psychotropics are not useful in many situations; however, for all neurotic-type issues they need to be a last resort and then used as a supplemental tool to some type of psychotherapy. They are too-often quickly prescribed as a pop-culture solution. This does not work and is dangerous.

Crushed Dreams of Greatness

Despite the poverty, craziness, and loneliness of my early years, I'd always believed that I was destined for greatness. Given my low esteem and shyness, seems ironic that I would think that ... but I was a dreamer. It wasn't the fame-or-fortune-type of greatness I sought but something more deep and profound.

I thought I had found my path by dedicating myself to others via social services. So idealistic was I that I convinced myself that if I could just help one person then my life would be complete. Looking back now, I would rephrase -- so IDIOTIC AND NAIVE was I that I convinced myself that if I could just help one person then my life would be complete.

It was some time later that I realized that I needed to save myself first...but I couldn't...and still can't even though I know that no one else can. I can't think of anything else that I could have done differently. After all, I've taken the pills, seen the therapists, gotten the grades, held good jobs, avoided legal troubles, and paid the bills.

I don't know why I bother. It is as if an unknown force pushes me through against my will. Lazzy the betta continues to fight and struggle as I continue to watch him in hopes that I can figure out why he bothers -- is it by choice or does he have an unknown force as well? If it is by choice, then why is it? If I can figure it out why he continues on then perhaps I'll know why I continue on as well.

The True Fighting Spirit of the Betta Spendens and How do We Ever Survive? #2

Lazzy rests his body on top of a leaf near the surface of the water so that he can breathe easier. He is too tired to do much swimming but at the sound of my voice he pushes himself forward. I assume he is wanting to eat but it is very difficult because the left side of his face has been eaten away by some unknown creature that I can't see. He has been on every antibiotic and anti-parasitic possible for the past three months and I now question my ethics on keeping him alive. He wants to live so very much that it seems wrong for me not to help him yet I know he is in horrible pain so it also seems wrong to not let him go.

Oddly enough, it's also been about three months since I started titration from the anti-depressants I've been swallowing for the past 16 years. The adults started giving me the pills as a teen and I can't say the chemicals have done me much good either -- especially now, as Effexor withdrawal seems worse than any benefit I have ever had. If someone is in horrible pain then perhaps it is best to let him or her go.

Hope #1

"Sometimes...for some people...things don't work out as they might have HOPED. .......HOPE...is a currency for people who know they're losing...the more familiar you are with hope the less beautiful it becomes. ....you'll never wake up a new person but someday you might wake up and see things, hear things, and think things differently."*

When we are young, we bask our world in a safe warm glow. Then we die as reality breaks through. We develop vices to move us through until one day we find ourselves on a path that goes two ways: away from ourselves or towards ourselves. Consciously or unconsciously, we WILL choose which way to go.

In life, we are all assigned the task of finding our true selves -- as opposed to the self others may have taught us we are. If we find ourselves, then we find the Higher Power others speak about.

But what happens if you do all the right things and life still doesn't work the way you'd hoped? Does that mean that what you thought was "right" was realy wrong? Do you give up? Do you keep trying? If you do keep trying, do you do things differently even if it doesn't seem right?

*Sixteen Years of Alcohol, 2003.