Mutes In a Jar

Despite my faulty history with my latest motorcycle, part of yesterday's personal Fourth of July festivities included me taking a long ride through the local countryside. I knew it was a risk but I felt physically solid and think that such personal freedoms are worth the chase.

Earlier in the day, I had phoned my husband to ask if he wanted to get together today but he declined because he had made plans with his parents. On my way back into town I had one of those pleasant ideas that later turn out to be not pleasant but just plain stupid. I call these part of the 'Pollyannic-Daze-Syndrome' where I experience rare moments of optimism that is unfitting for the situation at hand. Anyway, I decided that I would stop by the house and say hello to these people whom I have not seen for over a year since the separation and this is how it went:

"I parked my bike on the curb in front of the house and went to greet my husband and his dad (who were at the side of the house). With a brief and curt nod my husband walked further to the back of the yard and his father had nothing to say. Assuming they were busy doing yard-things, I continued merrily into the house to fetch my mail and have a good tummy-scratching session with our orange Tabby.

After some time went by and the cat had his fill, I decided to again venture outdoors. As I was walking toward the back of the yard, I noticed my mother-in-law was baking in the summer sun inside of a hot truck. Her head was down in the obvious pose of ignoring me even if it meant she would melt. I did not quite know what to make of this as it was one of two behaviors that my own mother would display -- the other being jumping out of the truck and chasing me with a crow-bar (I never knew which way she would go). Knowing that some unseen poison was being leaked into the air, I continued in the opposite direction to the back yard.

Drinking on his patio, a neighbor noticed me and came over the heartily chat me up about my latest motorcycle mishaps. When I attempted to speak to my husband I was hardly acknowledged and, of course, his father ignored me completely. I was rather stunned that my husband would play this game so I decided it would be wise and leave. The thought that I should go over and roll down the window and ask the woman inside if she needed a fan or some water or a dose of Thorazine was dismissed as I just put on my helmet and rode away from the house and life that is mine but is not mine at all."

I know these family-dysfunctional-situations well and took my usual course of action - leave the premises. What I was surprised at, however, was my husband's reaction -- this I had not seen before. It made me very grateful that I have kept my distance from these people over the course of the separation. I am positive that if I had attended some family function then this same behavior would have occurred but I would not have had the advantage of a vehicle to ride away on. Instead, I would have been trapped in that freezing, hard, and desolate corner in which I had already spent one lifetime.

Overall, I could only conclude that the hidden forces which seem to always drive me, whether nudging or throwing, were trying to make me see that the situation there is beyond my control and that it is necessary for me to leave the premises on a greater level. I knew the chain that binds my husband to a vast pool of poison existed but have lied to myself about it -- hoping eventually he rip it apart. It appears that 'eventually' is going to be a longer period of time than I had hoped.

How fair would it be to myself to make myself endure these types of situations after I fought so hard to escape them? The answer is really irrelevant as it is more of a matter of survival as my thin mentality would erode ... as it always does.