Resident Evil

This is no joke. There is an epidemic here. I do not know what it is or why it is not in the news but most people I know have some version of it.

It starts with nausea, vomiting, chills, body pain, and dangerously high blood pressure. Then it progresses to the glands where throats swell and burn. Eventually, the sinus drainage starts and causes numerous respiratory problems. Then a blood pressure roller coaster ensues along with tachycardia. Some have gone into pulmonary distress.

This is not the average flu. I am on my second dose of anti-biotics and headed for a Holter moniter to monitor the damage. It is more likely that we will be faced with some sort of biologically evolved or modified plague before a bomb hits us here.

Nocturnal Chatterings #17

2am

- damn...

- what is going on is that there are events going on inside my head that i do not know about.

+ that is strange

- i have many many rooms inside of my head. i can't keep track of them all but i can tell when something is going on in a room somewhere because i get a static-sensation in my body.

+ the entire body?

- yes. it's like a vibration and it keeps me from sleeping.

+ what is going on in the room(s) tonight?

- i do not know because the door(s) to the room(s) is/are closed. no, i do not know how to open them. it takes a trained professional and none are available @ 2am.

+ i think the rooms are what you would call the subconscious and you have something stressful in the rooms that needs to be dealt with.

- i'm sure that i do but that does not help me at 2am. no, i do not think there are aliens and that i need to place tinfoil over my head. yet. besides, that would frighten the furries.

- i'm probably going to die early of a disease related to all the insomnia, stress, blood-pressure, etc. that i experience. i know i have a fairly bad headache right now.

+ you need to knock out some rooms and maybe that would lessen the headache.

- ...

Become Your Self

In Order to Find Yourself, Are You Willing to Lose Yourself?

Cabin Fever II

So, this morning the cat wakes me up for feeding and I groggily debate on whether to get going on errands and shake the cabin fever. I look out the window to see:

a small blizzard.

I fall back to sleep.

An hour later the phone rings and someone asks me out for brunch. I look out the window and see:a sunny day.

So I go out.

Cabin Fever

Between the cold weather, a bizarre strain of the flu (what is up with this bizarre flu everyone has?), and general depression, I've been in the apartment for two days. With cold weather, I do not do many activities anyway but this is getting to me. It's been raining all day and with each drop I get more antsy.

I've watched enough DVDs that I cannot count. I've read, played video games, surfed the net, and completed minor housekeeping chores. Oh, I also slept through the Daytona 500 so I probably will not sleep tonight.

The worst is when the lonelies start creeping in. There is no time for lonelies during the long days of summer riding, swimming, etc. No wonder people go crazy if they are indoors for long periods of time.

bricks sink and drown so stop it now

he wants me to move back home and live in the damn upstairs room of the house and share facilities. that is the answer he says. i LIVED in the damn upstairs room of the house for the past eight years! he is happy and content with that. i want more. he can find someone else to do that.

everyone enables his denial, concurs with his assessment that i am having "a phase" or that i am just "too wounded" and he is a saint for being so patient. if i am crazy, then so is he. damn them all.

i am tired of having to be the one who has to sit aside while the “hurt” party gets all the advantages. he made a decision to stay as he is. It is about both of us not just myself. he refuses to own up to his part in this. i hate all of you. yeah, everyone wants my attention when they want something and it is convenient for them. it's drained me dry. no more.

My Self-Esteem In Dollars

Ok, so here is the situation: I get a job offer that would include a .8% raise. With my skillset, I am currently making 16% under my market value. I have been the least-paid software developer in any given company for about the past five or six years.

Mistake #1: I stayed at the same company for six years and allowed myself to be drastically underpaid and endured a company-wide salary-freeze for at least three of those years. My skillset and experience grew but my salary did not.

Mistake #2: When I went to my next job I gave my salary history. Because it was already low, the company thought I could start at less than market value. I still demanded somewhat more pay and got it but was still under-market value significantly. I did not believe my skills were good enough and actually felt guilty because I thought I demanded too much and was over-paid.

Mistake #3: When I went to my next job I again gave my salary history. Because it was already low, the company thought I could start at less than market value. I had just been downsized and felt terribly inept and took what they gave me without any negotiations.

Mistake #4: In my most recent interview for a new job I again gave my salary history. Because it was already low, the company thought I could start at less than market value. This is the company that offerred me the .8% salary increase. After they made the offer, I agreed to it and went back to my desk and thought a while.

Software development is not as lucrative as some fields but is much more lucrative than most. Because so few of the population can program at all, much less program ingeniously, a mediocre programmer can make more than the average worker. I am grateful for this and thankful that I can program mediocrely but something is not right. It was just a month or so ago that I was getting offers that would make for AT LEAST a 16% raise. I did not take them because I was holding out for a job closer to home with a better commute.

So I then walk over to the cube of a co-worker and started to discuss salaries. I found out that, again, I am the least-paid developer in the department and that everyone else is making AT LEAST 15% more than I. My co-worker informs me of what I should demand given my skillset, education, and extensive experience. I decided to take a stand.

I phoned the potential employer back and informed them that I am no negotiator but it is past time for me to stop settling for less than my market value; thus, I refused the job. He stated that he would run it by his boss and get back to me. I did not care, I was tired of being taken advantage of just because I don't feel very confident in myself, I am too nice, am female, and tend to be loyal to a company regardless of their treatment. I informed them that had give them my minimum salary requirements and would not take less.

To my surprise, the potential employer sent me a revised offer later in the day increasing my offer from a .8% increase to a 12.4% increase. That still puts me at 3.6% under market value; however, due to the high desireability of the job and opportunities, I will probably accept the offer tomorrow.

It is time for me to move along in the world on many fronts so let's go. I just hope I can stop giving potential employer's my damn salary history.

Haunted In February

At 2am, for the fifth time this night, the anxiety-ridden girl clammers from the den back to her bed hoping for sleep.

Snuggling deep into the fluffy warm comforter, her legs begin to twitch and jump as her breathing becomes rapid and shallow. Suddenly, a large rough hand presses into her mouth stifling any hope for sound. Her flailing arms and legs are quickly subdued under the pressure and everything in the universe becomes black.

Flying out of the now cold damp comforter, she breaks back into her surroundings and heads back to the den to for a sixth attempt later.

Happy Snow Day

Nocturnal Chatterings #16

there is a gnawing in my chest ... somewhat of a sick vibration chewing to get out ... i wouldn't mind if it did then i could bleed myself to sleep ... the rest of the world moves on without me ... i walk around daily with no one knowing ... if i go to sleep the nightmares will come ... i am alone in the world ... "how is my husband doing?" or "are you spending the break with your family" or "are you going out with your friends this weekend?" ... NO NO NO ... i have none of the above ... honestly, i do not know how to have a friendship or any relationship actually ... i learned all i know from books and tv ... i smile when it is proper, chuckle, give the 'serious' look, or give the 'understanding' look ... but i haven't a clue ... i do not know why i am here ... i do not know what i am doing ... i just pretend to know hoping it will come to me ...

The Insanity of a Dry Flood

That the days have been ruthless is the best I can say. With all the ambiguity, anxiety gnaws inside my intestines and I've vomited multiple times. Most people do not know and I do not tell them.

Divorce is hard but not knowing what will happen is harder.

I try to continue on with life but it seems the odds are against me. It seems every week something on my car breaks and there goes any plan of paying off my many debts. With a spouse who has lost the title to the car and has been unwilling to sign it over to me anyway, I cannot trade it in for something more reliable.

Not that I can afford an extra monthly payment since my dependency on Kawasaki Ninjas continues to grow. For a very true one-and-only good bargain indeed (which would save me money in the long run ... yeah, you've heard that one before), I rented a car on Saturday, drove an hour out of town, turned in the car, caught a ride to the shiny red 650 and drove it home in the freezing temperatures to discover that it's previously-rented storage space is not quite large enough for my small frame to maneuver a 356 pound bike around.

I got the furious beast into the cell but it may not run so well again after I over-adjusted the idle-switch to the point of continual stalling. I cursed myself as I walked a mile back in the elements to where I had left my car.

Turns out, I had locked my keys in the tired vehicle and that caused another series of events.

I should just stay home. Today, while waiting in traffic, a tiny elderly lady in a Honda Civic did a hit-and-run on my left-front driver's side. I ended up following her thinking she would pull over - after all, she HAD slowed down somewhat. I was beginning to wonder if she was going to pull over at all until I saw her glide onto a side street. However, two red-lights behind her, she was pulling back out onto the road as if nothing had happened. I looked at my tired car and saw a dent and scratches so I went back out after her only to find her waiting in the drive-through line at McDonald's.

I said "screw-it" and went back to work to eat my cold sandwich. Either I've already had a break-down and am insane or am about to arrive at that point.

Grease AND Petroleum In Your Burger: Part II

I'm sure you're glad to know that there are no wild animals running amok in our local farmer's market. As I promised in my last post, I did get my current groceries from a farmer's market. Except for Vitamin Water, everything I bought was fairly local (farthest being Kansas). There was even a farmer there advertising his milk which was hormone free and cost the same as more popular brands. I purchased eggs, fruits, vegetables, and breads, etc. and actually paid about 60% LESS than I normally would at the popular markets all the while NOT participating in the costly transportation of agriculture!

I'm extremely pleased with my successful venture and will continue to shop there. The awareness of not only the cost-factor produced in our dietary habits but the health and safety factors have become very frightening to me. How many of you are aware of the full impact of the genetic modification of the food you eat? If you aren't, then I advise that you do some research.

For example, were you aware that Monsanto creates special PATENTED seeds that are modified for shipping durability? How do these modified seeds affect our health? I would think that our bodies do not have the immunity for modified food as we do to natural foods; thus, allergies increase and who knows what else.

There are a handful of companies (DuPont, Monsanto, etc) that completely control agricultural economics. For example, Monsanto's "Terminator Technology" causes seeds to become sterile after one use so that farmer's will have to depend on said company for seeds. I'm not a farmer but shouldn't seeds be able to reproduce?

Supposedly, this particular terminator technology is restricted to help the "small farmer" but there are plenty of other ways these companies dominate what goes into our mouths. These companies have also been known to create seeds that will be prone to certain insect infestations that may occur in the year so that the farmers will be forced to buy that SAME company's herbicide. Again, what does this do to our bodies?

I could go on but, for now, I'll just keep trying to buy locally.
There are already many good articles out there for your perusal. Here are a couple:

*CEWAP
*OurFood.com

PS: Here's one for those conspiracy theorists to investigate: The biochemical/agriculatural companies are secretly teaming up with the pharmaceutical companies to completely dominate our bodies, finances, and the world!

Grease AND Petroleum In Your Burger: Part I

This year I am going to try to eat more foods that were produced locally. This will be very difficult due to the fact that I pretty much eat at least one meal out a day; however, I am now fully motivated.

Someone recently recommended Barbara Kingsolver's book "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle." Unlike her well-known novels of fiction, Ms. Kingsolver essentially mixes her family's memoirs on their endeavor into the wilderness to live on thier own crops with a ton of intriguing facts regarding the processes involved in our food intake.

Some interesting factoids from the book:

• Americans consume 400 gallons of oil per year per citizen for agriculture. The majority of this comes from the trip from farm to plate.
• The portion of agricultural fuel we pay is $80 billion or $725 per household each year.
• If every US citizen ate one meal a week from locally raised foods, we would reduce our country's oil consumption by over 1.1 million barrels every week.
• Buying locally generates 3x as much revenue for the local economy.

This weekend I will attempt a visit to the Farmer's Market and let you know how it goes. If there are wild goat running amuck and pissing the aisles then I've got a problem.

Keeps On Coming

I'm very sad for all the trouble that has come our way. I love you something terrible. If I could fix it then I would but I don't know how. I do not understand how people can bear so much and still breathe. Despite all the horror and trauma we have experienced in our lives we still manage to be a kind a caring people so it is beyond harsh that we still have to suffer. I would like to shoot whoever said "love is enough." You are full of goodness. Perhaps things will evolve our way in another ten years and we can find some peace.

Icy Smash & Crash

I went, I crashed down the slopes, crawled back to the lift, repeated. Dumb.

• Bruised knees
• Bruised buttocks
• Bruised ribs
• Aggravated concussion
• Whiplash
• Limited movement in shoulders / arms
• Limited movement in neck
• Numerous strained muscles, rotator cuff, etc.
• Down for two weeks
  

Final verdict: Take it in short slopes with snow. DO NOT use fake ice slopes. It's called momentum.

Nocturnal Chatterings #15

-- Here we are again ... another sleepless night...

++ At least it's been a while.

-- Decisions eating up through the lining of my stomach into my frozen jaw. WHAT IS THAT NOISE?!

++ That's a big reason why the decision has to be made.

-- The cats are going crazy tonight. I wonder if they can sense my stress.

++ Probably but they are also just crazy.

-- It's been almost a year since I've moved into this apartment. ...DEAR GODALLAHBUDDHA THEY ARE CLIMBING THE WALL! .... cats

++ You've given it a good shot and have done all you know to do. There's nothing else you can do. The work has to come from both parties involved.

--It's going to be ugly. I'm a life-destroyer. I must have a dark passenger.

++ Maybe it won't be so bad. FYI: you've been watching too much Dexter in the same sitting...

-- It could be that ... DEAR GODALLAHBUDDHA IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE IS DYING! ...cats

++ Whatever happens, time will go on.

-- Oh, that sounds like a piece of crap. Why do you always say crap like that?

++ I think it's my job.

-- Well, I don't like it so stop it.

++ If you have a "dark passenger" then I have a "dark defender."

-- I wouldn't mention that to the blues if I were you.

Find Your Candidate

2 U N 08

Wounds That Break

What do you do when you have to break a promise that you had made many years ago under duress? If you don't break your promise then you will die a slow suffocating painful death. However, if you do break the promise, someone you love will suffer just as tremendously.

Manipulating and sweating out every other creative solution you can imagine, you try all avenues only to arrive at a dead end. You've tried to fix something that was broken before you ever came along but nothing succeeds.

Sickeningly, you've arrived at the same dead end before and wonder what you have done to cause so much turmoil. What must you do to end this destructive cycle? Can you end it? ... or even should you?

December 25

Today is the first year I did not wake up to a christmas tree and presents. Family-less and maritally separated, I awoke to the cats and myself. In addition, today is also my birthday. I spent it alone. I'm certain that I had some choice in the matter and could have made some sort of arrangements but could not find the energy to do so.

For the past few years I've tried to avoid the holiday stress by NOT following the normal stream of thought: that everyone is happy drinking eggnog and opening presents with a loving family. I've received allot of pity lately and just recently defensively placated my christmas/birthday non-plans by stating that:

"I hate when people pity me for culturally-induced ideals of what 'should-be.' This is why people get depressed over the holidays and such. I'm in my apt playing video games, watching dvds, eating, and periodically going out with people. that is goood. "

I think I did a goood job there defending my position even though I just felt like crawling under a blankie with some Klonopin.

Nevertheless, I did make it through this damned day fairly well by cuddling with the cats, eating, and catching up on some DVDs. Could be worse.